Monday, August 22, 2011

The art of breaking down

Have you ever thought you've had enough and don't want this crap anymore? Well, my guess is yes, since everyone's had to go through collage and/or kids - and there must be a minute when you just want the world to swallow you whole.

I'm going through my first such experience. After three months of continuous stress and studying, I'm ready to lay my sword down. I've had enough of this crap. Who the hell cares about all that stuff? Of course, I'm very aware of the fact that I've done this to myself. It was my choice to seek further training in the art of law and apply for magistrate training...

What really put me down was that it seems to make no difference - I've studied like crazy, done test after test and it is still sheer luck that will get me (and if it will get me) in that damned school. Imagine 3500 people fighting for 200 spots - it's mind-wrecking and horrible. And I'm not sure where I stand regarding this - I'm hardly capable to score within the minimum score range - and nothing I do seems to help.

So, people, I'm officially breaking down. I'm tired all the time, my head pounds and I break down into fits of crying. Then I try harder and it still doesn't help.

The up side? I only have 3 days left to go - on the 25th is the evil exam and at least that chapter of my life will close. Whatever happens next, it can't be worst that this summer, than this bitter disappointment in my life choices and the world around me.

Another plus side - this has really helped my writing experience - imagine how accurately I'll be able to portray the sense of helplessness grasping my character and holding them there, wishing all this would be over. I can't wait to be done with this and get back to writing - unfortunately, I still have the end of September to get to before I can finally lay down my stress sword - If I get into judge training - it's all fine from there on - I have a job, more studying to do and that's it. If I don't, it'll be job hunting, studying some more for a master's degree and the master's exam -> so, whatever happens, it's not happy for me.

Just felt the need to vent and let you know what's going on with me - why I might not have been so present in the writing world. I just want it to be over now, whatever happens, because I'm exhausted. I need/want/demand a vacation.

Hope to be back soon (unless I die on the 25th after suffering the first real failure in my life)


  1. My hubby just suffered what he considers a failure too, and he's been a wreck about it. I've had my own share, but every setback, if we let it, can make us stronger and teach us valuable lessons.

    And yes, it can give our writing some new voices. I wouldn't have known how to write authentically about a mother's gut-wrenching love as she holds her firstborn if I hadn't experienced it myself. Or the emptiness and despair of death if I hadn't witnessed it firsthand.

    Sometimes, though it's VERY hard to see at the time, as one door closes, another opens to a new opportunity. Maybe even a better one. Hang in there. My wish for you is that the right door opens at just the right time. *hugs*

  2. Oh, Steph! Whatever happens, you know you did your best. That's all you can do, right? I'm sending you positive thoughts...

  3. Oh, Steph. This sounds like one of those things where you can't really affect the outcome, so you need to let it go and see what happens. Easier said than done, I know.

    Either way, I'm sure you'll attain your aims, but the funny thing about life is it sometimes changes your aims as you go through it, offering lots of other opportunities.

    Sending you lots of hugs.

  4. Heya, Stef!

    I have complete confidence that if you don't get in, it won't be because you didn't perform well enough. It will be, as you state, dumb (bad) luck that would keep you out.

    Is this a one shot only type of thing, or can you re-apply? Perhaps option three is get the job, work on the Master's, and re-apply next time. Nothing like burning yourself out completely, right? LOL.

    Best of luck to you. All of us on this side of your blog know that you have the persistence (stubbornness) to make sure you are at your best.


  5. Thanks you guys! All your kind words mean a lot to me. *hugs!*


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